Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
