Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
