I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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