Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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