I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
