and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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