i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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