I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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