I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
