I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
