What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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