yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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