i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
