Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
