I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
