im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
