Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
