she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
