I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
