Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
