where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
