One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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