her vagine was all disorganized.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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