I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
