I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
