You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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