The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
