Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
