thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
