break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
