All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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