Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Randomize
