so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
