If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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