don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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