she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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