Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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