Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
