High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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