well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
