he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
