She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
