We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
