I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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