That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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