"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
3pm strippers are depressing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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