Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
