she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
