She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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