Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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