textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
