Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
